Backsliding

Two days ago I had an incident, I won’t go into it here a it is way too painful right now. I don’t even know what the full consequences will be yet. I know I am very anxious and have made the decision to go back into counseling. I have been very happy lately and I think way down deep where we don’t want to look or poke around   I feel I don’t deserve to be happy. Why I feel that way I’m unsure I have some theories but I think I will leave it to the professionals to unravel. I will be seeing the same person who cut me loose this winter, but I believe he will refer me on this time. At least I will be asking him to. I can’t get in until May 11th, but they do have walk in if I can’t wait. I’m still unsure at this point if I can or not. I usually want to jump right in and start tearing into problems and get them sorted out as soon as possible so I don’t obsess over them and work myself into a state that is even worse. I can’t help but think this stems from my childhood and the abuse. Which leads me to, when is it over and we are healed? Is that just a pipe dream, or have I just not found the right combination of drugs and counseling? I have done the work and come very far, but it still doesn’t seem to be enough if I still act out. Why would I put everything I have at risk and punish myself in this way? What am I punishing myself for? I know I have a hard time accepting love, there is always that little voice telling me I don’t deserve it. How do we shut that voice up? Just like the voice that tells me I am not pretty. I don’t have the tools to shut it up entirely, I need to work on that. My husband told me I have been in swings of late. I have to believe him he sees things I do not. He tells me I have been behaving in a  Narcissistic way lately. That is one of my worst fears. I know many times of late I heard my mother come out of my mouth and that always horrifies me. I think this is enough for today. We will see what the next few weeks brings.

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