A friend of mine and I joke we are “The Bad Daughter Club.” While it is funny in a warped kind of way it hurts also. I never wanted to be the bad daughter, I spent the majority of my life trying very hard to be a good daughter. I am still struggling with this whole estrangement thing.
Am I a good person or should I just bite back all I have to say and mend our relationship? She is afterall the only mother I will ever have.
But what if that relationship is more hurtful that sustaining?
Should I suck it up for the others in my life that think I should?
If we try to mend our relationship what do I do when she starts criticizing my life and my choices?
How do I respond when she tells me how to parent my adult children?
How to lose weight?
How to worship? I raised you as a______. Really, when?
How to be happy when I’m depressed, because after all you can just snap out of it.
How to live?
So many questions…so much anger. Yet I miss the thought of Mom. I hear her in my voice, I see her in my mannerisms, am I becoming her? Would that really be a bad thing? Oh snap out of it, yes it would be. But I miss the good parts, the parts that didn’t hurt. I think about how I would feel if my children were to break off ties with me. Beyond crushed and I work to try to keep our communications open and try very hard to not be judgemental. I know sometimes I am, my mother trained me well and it is a fight to be open. I consider it a fight worth fighting though.
As I read through what I have written I am able to see how much anger I still have to work through. It only hurts me so learning to let go of it serves me. How do you let go? I have on other parts of my life, but maybe it is because she won’t talk about any of it with me? When I tried to she got really angry with me, so I let it drop. I’ve written countless letters never to be given to her, but it still sits and festers. I know that it is unhealthy for me. I hope with time and more writing that it will start to release.