Dreams

So I haven’t spoken or seen my mother in 4 years now. Before you get started I miss the ideal of a mother, not her. So now it seems she haunts my dreams from time to time. I had one of those last night. It is amazing how distraught I am upon waking. It is just like she is there yelling at me. 

This time I had a friend with me who was trying to defend me. Nothing stands in my mother’s way when she decides you are wrong. How is it someone can be so judgmental and sure of themselves? So do I miss her, not one bit. I wish she would stay out of my dreams.

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Our Son’s wedding

Our Son’s wedding was eleven months ago. It was beautiful and cozy and so much love. My husband walked her down the aisle as she doesn’t have a father. What an honor for him. Still brings tears to my eyes. She is such an amazing young woman, we are so lucky to have her as part of our family. Our son’s godfather flew in from out-of-state to bear witness, but my mother did not attend.

She called our son and asked would “he” be there? Of course, well then I can’t come. Really? I had months to prepare to be civil and not let this time be about her and our conflict, but I can’t express how relived/angry/disappointed/embarrassed I felt at the news. As the kids say “All the Feels.”

How dare you? I was told to forgive and forget everything that happened to me as a child at the hands of your husband, but you can’t forgive mine for standing up for our child? No voices were raised, you were simply told enough. How very adult of you.

I am still amazed after all this time your ability to hurt those you were supposed to nurture. You always told me you had me first and I would always be first. What a lie. You stood by with full knowledge and let him abuse me. He was allowed to control all aspects of my life. But you couldn’t come to your grandson’s wedding.

Mixed bag

Every time I think I am getting comfortable with how my world is I come across something that shows me I’m not. This time it was a very small feather in a card from my Mom that I had tucked away. She does love me to the extent that she is capable of. I adore feathers, I have been know as the feather slut to my friends. My only tattoo is feathers. They have been a consent love throughout my life. That she took the time to save this small feather and send it to me meant a lot. It gets me thinking about writing to her at least. But then, do I really want to. I can’t tell. I can tell I no longer want contact with my step father. I really just don’t and I don’t think that is out of line. Not to me or the others around me.

My therapist brought up the fact that possibly my mother suffers from her own mental illness. I was amazed to say the least. Not sure why, but I had never even considered that. Was it my own blindness that kept me from that realization? Possibly, my mate looked and me and said “Ya, you didn’t know?” Really so one of those things I was the only one who didn’t know. I guess it has to do with the whole looking at my mother as a person not just my mother. I know if friends treated me the way she has I won’t stick around for more. In fact I have cut a friend loose and that hurts almost as much.

Narcissists love to point out your flaws. I have been doing a fair amount of research on Narcissist parents, what an eye opener. I have sat on this post for almost 2 months as I try to digest all the information and the possibility that is what is wrong with my mother. This is still such a new concept to me that it is very hard to get mind wrapped around it. I m sure once I come to a better understanding I’ll have more to post.

This post was written a year ago. It still holds truth.

Shoes

I have neglected my writing for almost a year. The things I had to say were too angry and filled with bitterness. I am trying to move away from that and live in the love I have in my life. I have come to realize that I do still need to express the anger to more fully let go of it. Having said that this post is not about that, I will post more later. Today I want to talk about shoes.

I went to a concert last month with a friend. It was raining and cold in the city which is pretty normal for this time of year. As we walking to find someplace to have dinner I noticed a homeless man curled up in a doorway. He wasn’t begging or asking for anything. He was trying to sleep. I noticed he had no shoes and his socks had huge holes in them. He did have a small bag of belongings with him. We had our dinner and passed by this man again. Still shivering with no shoes. We enjoyed our concert and when we came out he was gone. I had been thinking of him and wondering how I could help him.

It has been a couple of weeks and I find my thoughts returning to this man and his plight. Not sure why this has hit so hard, but it has. Then tonight a story on the news a young man bought a homeless woman some food at a chain in the city. They would not allow her inside to eat, because she had no shoes. She was cold and soaking wet, but because she had no shoes they would not admit her inside. I know I’m not the only one this is speaking to. Now I need to figure out what to do about it.

With all that is amok in this world shoes have got my attention. Rather strange I guess but there it is. So, I guess I need to start seeing how I can help.

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